happiness, love, and decisions

Recently, I have been slightly out of control (what's new?). I have felt very numb and a little freaked out by that. Now, I hate to say it but I'm not sure this is one of those blog posts where I talk about how crazy I am but at the end it all comes together and is fine. In fact, this might be more of a cry for help in some ways.
I've been getting a lot of bad news lately and sometimes I feel like I can't take much more. I allow myself to feel like I'm drowning and can become overwhelmed by my emotions. I can start to feel very unhappy and become extremely selfish. I didn't have much of an idea where I was going with this blog post when I started but as I think about how "unhappy" I am, I wonder what "happiness" really means. Google defines it as "a mental or emotional state of well-being characterized by positive or pleasant emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy."
Personally, I think happiness is a decision. Everyone has good things in their lives. Especially me. I have an amazing family. I have wonderful friends who care deeply about me. I have known more love in my 19 years than some people will know in their entire lives. I have seen amazing things and been amazing places. I have so much good. Sure there's bad, but that's a part of life. I think that happiness is deciding to focus on those good things and accept the bad. When I lose sight of this, that's when I lose sight of the truth and the hope I have.
Lately, I have felt very weak and wondered if I was failing. I wondered if I could do this, live this life, keep fighting, keep loving, and continue to be the best disciple I could be. I talked to my mom and she made it so simple. I can do this, it's a matter of if I want to. When I realized that I have the strength and the ability to continue in this fight because of God, and that I just need to decide that I want to do this I was blown away. God isn't giving up on me and I have to understand that that's because there's nothing I can do to make him do so. His love for me is so immense that I can't fail enough for it to end. Even if I decide to stop loving him, He will never stop loving me.
Now that brings me to point #2. Just like happiness is a decision, so is love. Now on April 13, 2014 I made the decision to love God with all my heart, soul, strength, and mind. This was a decision. And it is a decision every hour of every day. A decision I have to fight for and stand with. A decision I have no intention of ever going back on.
So with all that being said, I guess I'm asking for any encouragement, wisdom, or challenges anyone wants to share with me. How you make the decision to be happy and make the decision to love.

In an effort to focus on the good and decide to be happy here are some great things that have happened recently (some of them may be little, but hey it helps me!):

• I painted my nails perfectly last night.
• I'm drinking an amazing cup of coffee as I write this.
• I know that each day God refreshes me and cleanses me.
• I get to go home this weekend!
• I have an amazing big sister here in wilmington that I get to pour my heart out to without feeling insecure or judged (shoutouts to alexis ann paterson, you are my other half!).
• I cried as I wrote this and that is one of the first times in a long time I have been deeply cut and seen what an amazing life I have and how silly it is to lose sight.
• Some of my most amazing friends are still faithful and give me hope and joy.
• This week is very chill and I don't have much to do! woo!
• I'm listening to Taylor Swift's new album as I write this.

Thank you all for sticking with my crazy, and thanks to you all and to God for the encouragement and joy I am sure I will experience this week and the rest of my life. I am so blessed and so grateful.

In all my craziness and sometimes stupidity (ok a lot of times),

~haley grace

song of the open road

I have decided that whenever I find some writing (poem, song lyrics, quotes, etc.) I am going to put them on this blog so I won't forget. Here's the first:

afoot and light-hearted I take to the open road ,
healthy, free, the world before me,
the long brown path before me leading wherever
       I choose.
henceforth I ask not good-fortune, I myself am good-fortune.
                           -- Walt Whitman, Song of the Open Road

I'm in love with that line, "healthy, free, the world before me..." So cool!

that's all for now,
~haley grace

a lovely reminder

so last night at bible talk we read this scripture and talked about how often it can be mistaken. God isn't saying that everything is going to be easy, but he is saying that in every situation we can have hope. And the hope that God gives us will never disappoint. 

nineteen years young

I hadn't had much time to think about my birthday this year. In fact it snuck up on me a little bit because I had so many other things going on in my life. However, when it was actually my birthday there was such an outpour of love from everyone around me that I felt so encouraged. I hadn't thought about it much but it was exactly what I needed. To be reminded that I'm only 19 and that I am going to have days where I just need to be taken care of and loved. I am so grateful for all of those around me who care so deeply for me and took the time to make sure I felt valued. It was exactly what I needed and my heart is so full.
Lately I've been feeling a lot of pressure to figure out what I want to do with my career, life, time, etc. Recently one of my professors encouraged me to look into earth science as a major and this threw my carefully and meticulously planned out future into a whirlwind. I have been planning for a while to get my degree in Elementary Education with a minor in Spanish and go on to grad school to get my masters in Occupational Therapy. I have always known that I want to pick a career that allows me to help people and that is what teaching was for me. I wanted to minor in Spanish so that I could if not teach in a foreign country, at least teach in an area with a high Spanish-speaking population so I could help provide support to families that may not speak English at home. Also, I never want my knowledge to become obsolete or irrelevant. I really wanted to pick a career that would allow me to continue learning and progressing. That is what Occupational Therapy was for me. I decided that I wanted to work with early intervention in children with Autism and similar disabilities. I heard about the research going into this area and the difference it can make in the severity of children's conditions if you intervene early on in their development. I was always so sure of these things. However, I'm taking a weather and climate class that I found immensely interesting and then when my professor told me I'm actually good at it freaked me out! Now there's another whole realm of possibilities for me to look into. And I am totally stressed out.
Now as I write this and imagine reading it as someone else I can't help but laugh at myself. I am 19 years young and a freshman in college. If there's anything I have it's time. Lately I have been told much to my dismay (shoutout to my mom) that I make problems out of things that aren't even problems yet. And it is true and I am embarrassed. I take the joy out of my life sometimes by worrying about the future and I just can't do that anymore! I keep coming back to this scripture:

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Matthew 6:34

and I can't help but smile because I am convinced that God had me in mind when he says this. Isn't that the truth? Tomorrow has plenty of trouble but I just don't have to worry about that! I can't do that to myself or to God. I need to trust that or else it will destroy me and take every ounce of joy from my life!

at least I know that I want to help people and never stop learning and I know God will guide me to the perfect career and who cares if I'm an Elementary Ed. and Geoscience double major with a minor in Spanish and a master in OT? At least I'll have options ;).

On Halloween our campus ministry volunteered at a trunk or treat in a kinda rough part of wilmington. It reminded me of how much I just adore kids and want to get to make a difference in their lives. At least I know that much, I love kids and I want to do something that allows me to impact people. This is me with one of the cutest little boys ever! and yes I am dressed as a really lame cat and yes those are ears made out of paper and colored with a sharpie. It was a little last minute, what can I say?